Why Conflict Feels So Hard (And What You Can Do About It)

Conflict can often feel overwhelming and challenging to navigate. Whether it's in a work environment or within our personal relationships, the emotional intensity that conflict evokes can leave us feeling disoriented and uncomfortable. Recently, a client shared an experience with me where unsolicited advice from a colleague triggered feelings of intense criticism and discomfort. This got me thinking about why conflict feels so difficult for many of us and what we can do to better manage these situations.

Audience Question

How do you honor taking responsibility for your emotions and tending to the impact of your actions on other people's emotions?

The Survival Brain: How Our Instincts Shape Our Reactions

At the core of understanding conflict is recognizing that we are all animals, wired for survival. Our brains have developed to prioritize survival over rational thought. When we are calm and present, the logical part of our brain is in control, allowing us to plan, make decisions, and think critically. However, when our survival brain is activated—often in response to perceived threats—our logical brain takes a backseat.

This dynamic is crucial in understanding how we respond to conflict. For many of us, experiences from childhood, such as being criticized by a parent, have conditioned our brains to associate certain types of feedback with danger. As a result, even constructive feedback from a colleague can trigger a fear-based response, leading us to feel as though we are under attack, just as we might have felt as children.

Childhood Experiences and Their Impact on Adult Conflict

Our brains are incredibly adept at forming patterns based on past experiences. If, as a child, you were frequently criticized or faced harsh judgment, your brain may have learned to associate these experiences with a lack of safety. This association can carry over into adulthood, where feedback—no matter how well-intentioned—can activate those old feelings of inadequacy and fear.

When we experience conflict today, our brains often bring up the emotions and responses we learned in the past. This can make the current situation feel far more intense and overwhelming than it actually is. For example, when my client received feedback from their colleague, the feelings that arose were not just about the present moment; they were also about the unresolved emotions from their childhood.

The Role of Emotional Regulation in Conflict Resolution

Understanding this connection between past experiences and present conflict can be incredibly empowering. While we may not be able to change our initial emotional responses, we can learn to recognize when our reactions are disproportionately large compared to the situation at hand. This awareness allows us to take a step back, assess our feelings, and choose a more measured response.

One practical approach is to communicate openly with the other person involved in the conflict. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, it can be helpful to ask for a break to gather your thoughts or to seek clarification about what the other person meant. Often, misunderstandings contribute to the intensity of conflict, and clearing up these misunderstandings can diffuse the situation.

Building Conflict-Resilient Communities

Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn't have to be overwhelming or destructive. By understanding the underlying causes of our reactions to conflict, we can approach these situations with greater empathy and clarity. It's important to remember that being uncomfortable in conflict is natural and expected. With practice, we can learn to navigate these challenging moments with more confidence and less confusion.

Kiana Elkins is a former conflict-avoidant disruptor turned conflict resilience educator, leadership consultant, and community steward. They are on a mission to help people like you cultivate communities that can survive conflict.